Them bones, them thigh bones, them hip bones, them knee bones.
I haven't seen so many broken bones since the Army-Navy game of'24.
- [Hawkeye] What schools played in that game? - I don't know. I had lousy seats.
[Potter] These marines may be great fighters, but they're lousy drivers.
[Hawkeye] It isn't easy for a troop truck to make a U-turn after it's gone over a cliff.
[Charles] Actually, these boys are quite lucky. They're missing all the horrors of war.
[Potter] Not so lucky. They'd been there. They were on their way back.
This guy landed right on his chest.
He's got fractured ribs, a lacerated lung. I'll have to do a lobectomy.
If there's too much of a problem, Hunnicutt, I can take it.
There's a fractured femur here for you.
Thanks all the same, Charles, but I've done at least 50 of these.
Oh, really? That's almost half as many as I've done.
I beg your pardon, rookie, but in what war?
The big one... the war of the Boston commuters.
The contingency does not exist for which I am not prepared.
You name it. I've done it successfully.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever done a mesenteric arterial thrombosis?
Before or after medical school?
Dr. Winchester leads, one to nothing.
Oh, yeah? How about an abdominal aortic aneurysm?
- Yes, but it was very difficult. - Oh, you actually admit that.
Yes, of course I do. It was during a power blackout.
The snow's getting pretty thick in here.
How many in this room can say they have performed a porta caval shunt?
- I can do a cartwheel. - During an appendectomy.
- I thought so. - Game, set and match to Major Winchester.
He hasn't won anything. We're just as good as he is.
Now, the hip bone is connected to the neck bone.
No, no, it's connected to the thigh bone... No, no, wait a minute.
This serving ain't a bad gig, Miller.
Once you lose your sense of smell, you got it licked.
I'll handle the spuds. You dish out the stew.
- Here's your ladle. - Oh, thank you. It's very nice.
- Is it plugged in? - I beg your pardon?
Testing, testing. One, two, three, test.
[Blows] Works fine.
Very funny.
[Klinger] Lunchtime, folks! Grab your platter and watch it splatter.
- Have some stew, Colonel? - What kind is it?
Could be beef, pork or water buffalo.
We'll never know, and it won't tell.
Well, as long as it's dead. Spoon it on, son. No toast.
One brown puddle. Hold the shingle.
Uh, I think I'll have some of that too.
I wouldn't, Rabbi. It may not be kosher.
Oh, that's all right. I'm not orthodox.
I don't know what you're pulling here, Miller...
but work the other side of the street.
- [Laughs] How about this one? - What?
Beer Belly Gus broke his own record.
That's unbelievable. What's a Beer Belly Gus?
Just the biggest brew guzzler in the west. It says right here...
he just chug-a-lugged a whole half keg at the Petaluma Lumberjack Festival.
That's as easy as falling off a log.
Let me tell you about Skowhegan Seth, our old Maine fishing guide.
He once fell in a seven-foot brewer's vat.
He would've drowned ifhe hadn't drunk his way down to five feet.
Imagine if he had pretzels with him.
Gentlemen, your tall tales are... mildly amusing.
Care to hear a short true one?
Gather around the campfire, partners.
Old Gabby Winchester is about to open a crock of Boston-baked bull.
- You boys never give up, do you? - My story can be verified.
I have my Bible if you'd like to swear on it.
Perhaps later.
Paddy O'Gorman, our former handyman...
was a prodigious drinker.
At my sister's wedding, when it came time to toast the happy couple...
there was not a bottle of champagne to be found.
We looked down the aisle, and there was Paddy belching from the bubbly...
setting up all his empties for his own private bowling tournament.
He got you. I don't even have to hear yours.
I don't swallow that for a second.
Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged.
You can see it in their voices.
I'm about to interview one of these brave and courageous young soldiers.
What's your name, soldier, and what do you do?
My name is Colonel Potter, soldier, and I bust wiseacres like you.
[Laughs] These Brooklyn boys have a language all their own.
How about you, trooper?
- Please. I have ladle fright. - Hi, Mom.
- Klinger, you in charge of this man? - Miller, gimme that.
Please! We're on the air.
- Klinger, protege of yours? - What do you think, I'm crazy?
Listen, this place ain't big enough for two psychos. Come on.
Aha! Here's a young lad with the peach fuzz still fresh on his cheeks.
- How old are you, sonny? - Sonny? What's going on here?
- Now, now, don't be nervous. - Why is this man talking into a spoon?
- They're out of forks. - Just stay away from me. Isn't one of you enough?
- Major! - And now let's pause...
for a musical salute for these brave young soldiers.
It's Rosemary Clooney and "Come On-a My House."
Klinger, you better keep an eye on Rosemary Loony.
- [Man Groans] - Kellye, come here.
- It's a lot of pain here. Where's that damn morphine? - Radar's breaking out a new box.
Tell him to step on it. This kid's in a lotta pain.
- When it gets here, set up an eight milligram IV. - Yes, sir.
[Radar] Psst! Sirs?
Uh, listen, sirs, this is the last box.
- One lousy box and that's it? - Stuff's so popular, we can't keep it on the shelves.
If that supply truck doesn't get here by 1800 hours...
- we're gonna have to wait till tomorrow. - What time is it now?
- 1830. - Well, this should keep us going through the night okay.
- [Kellye] Doctors, quick! - [Man Groaning]
He's burning up.
Could be a pyrogenic reaction. Maybe the morphine's contaminated.
- Or he's got a raging infection of some kind. - He looks bad.
Think we got him in time. Kellye, alcohol rubdown.
Keep him cool and set up a penicillin IV.
- Till we find out what this is. - Yes, sir.
- What happened? - We're not sure.
This kid had a peculiar reaction to the morphine.
- You're sure it's morphine? - That's the first thing I checked.
We've either got contaminated morphine or an acute infection.
Eighty-six this stuff. Break out another box.
- Yeah, well... - Something wrong?
Can we talk in the lobby?
- All right, what? - That's the last of the morphine until tomorrow.
Oh, dandy. Just once I'd like to see supply get here ahead of demand.
You'd think they'd give preference to their steady customers.
Radar, tell those paperweights in Seoul we may have a bad batch.
- I'll tell them we need more. - Get more here extra pronto.
It's gonna be a long night.
##[Whistling]
Hold it right there, soldier! I'm from Movietone News, and I want to get your picture.
Now just act natural, stay in the light.
Come off it, Miller. Who you kidding?
You can't take a picture with a microphone.
No profile shots, please. I don't have a wide-angle lens.
Okay, that does it!
Sit down.
It's time we had a little nut-to-nut talk. Take it from an old pro.
You might get an "A" in perseverance, but that's it.
This microphone bit is strictly for sandlot psychos.
This is the big league, guy.
Up here it takes seasoning, finesse.
So from now on, you just shut up, put down your spoon and watch me.
- Okay. - Good. I don't want to have to tell you again.
- You won't. - All right. Now let's get some sleep.
We got guard duty in two hours.
- Good night, Miller. - Good night, Klinger.
Good night, Mr. Shoe.
Huh?
How could I forget?
Good night, Mr. Sock. And don't you worry about this little hole.
Mr. Toe doesn't mind a bit.
Night.
Whoo!
Folks, we've got a real lulu on our hands.
Littered with wounded...
sitting on what could be a rotten shipment of morphine.
- What about Seoul? - Can't ship till tomorrow.
So the $64 question is, "What do we do in the meantime?"
And for the grand prize, what do they do in the meantime?
Why are we condemning an entire shipment of morphine because of one man's negative reaction?
Because that one man almost died. Would you care to try for two out of three?
Charles, in all my experience as a doctor, I have never seen a reaction that bad.
In all my experience as a doctor...
and almost head of thoracic surgery at Massachusetts General...
- There he goes again. - I have never heard such a hasty and unsubstantiated conclusion.
Colonel, he's right. Let's try it on a second man.
- Roll up your sleeve, Charles. - I loathe you, Pierce.
I call your loathe and raise you two despises.
Well, we've got to do something. Icing the wounds is not gonna be enough.
- I prescribe the morphine. - Sure. It's quick, effective, possibly lethal.
- We're not really loaded with options, are we? - Pierce, close that door.
Now what I've got to tell you has to be kept within the confines of this room.
- I mean it. - Go ahead.
Back in Hannibal, MO, when I was about eight years old...
we lived across the street from old Doc Schumacher.
Of course you did. [Snickering]
Simple country doctor. A lot of horse sense.
One night my Aunt Grace was visiting...
came down with a terrible migraine.
Poor woman was in agony. When we called Dr. Schumacher...
he said he'd come over and see what he could do.
- All this is top secret? - No. Let me finish.
Anyway, he shows up with something that he said would really do the trick.
Gave her a couple of pills, told her not to worry...
she was gonna be fine, completely cured.
Sure enough, in about a half an hour, she was up baking me cookies.
- What did he give her? - Two sugar pills.
A placebo? He gave her a phony cure?
Nothing phony about her recovery.
Look, I'm happy for Aunt Grace, but we're talkin' about compound fractures.
And we're a long way from Hannibal, MO.
The body can do remarkable things if the mind will let it.
Now, if we sell it, really sell it...
it just might work.
- But they're still sugar pills. - Not if they believe it's morphine.
Next thing you know, we'll be sticking pins in little dolls.
- Spoken like a true shrunken head. - I say it's worth a try.
Well, if we don't give them something, they're gonna be in a bad way.
I, for one, refuse to take part in this ridiculous charade.
Charles, we're all in this together.
And if you breathe one word of this out there...
I promise you a pain nothing will cure.
We need absolute security. Anything negative will kill it.
Pierce, Hunnicutt, why don't you go to the pharmacy...
and make up about fifty little white lies.
The rest of us will be waiting in post-op.
- I hope I can be convincing. - It's easy, Margaret.
Just pretend you're in the high school play.
You're Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm passing out morphine.
This isn't gonna work. This is not gonna work. It won't wo...
Well, I hope I'm wrong.
Glassberg, you know you're not allowed to read that book without a prescription.
What do you want, sirs? I'm busy underlining.
- We need the room. - Why? You got some girls? It's kinda small in here.
- We're taking a spot inventory. - At 1:00 in the morning?
Orders from Tokyo. One of our tongue depressors is missing. Get out.
- But leave the book. - Not a chance. Just don't make a mess, okay?
One or two small explosions. That's it.
This is all the powdered sugar I could scrape off the donuts.
- Where are the capsules? - Look under K, here they are.
I wish Aunt Grace were here to test these out.
- What's that for? - For luck.
[Knocking]
We're not finished yet. Go read Fanny Hill.
- I beg your pardon? - Oh, Father!
Fanny Hill... a, um, famous nurse.
Yeah, she was a great comfort to the boys during World War I.
If you say so. Colonel Potter told me what you were doing.
- I came by to see if I could help. - Grab a capsule and dig in.
These will cure aches, pains and bitter coffee.
Father, this is right up your alley. Those boys will be taking these pills on faith.
Ah, yes, faith... the evidence of things unseen.
Looks like I've finally got you fellas working with me.
Halt! Who goes there?
It's me... Klinger. Relax. I'm here to relieve you.
Advance, Klinger, and be recognized!
Come on. You know who I am. You took enough film of me.
- Shh! You hear that? - Hear what?
Enemy planes overhead. Twelve o'clock high.
- I don't hear anything. - Of course not. They're gliders.
Oh, and they're gonna drop bombs on us, right?
That's a lot you know. That's enemy reconnaissance.
They've been overhead for over two hours, watching our every move.
Hit the dirt!
- I got... I got two of 'em! - Give me that rifle, damn it!
Uh, it's all right, folks. It's just a little backfire.
We're safe now. I chased 'em all off.
It's okay. Just a backfire.
Why'd you do that? Even I wouldn't do that.
You could've gotten us killed. You are nuts.
If they gave me a Section Eight tonight, I'd give it to you.
I don't want a Section Eight. I want to serve my country.
Now I know you're crackers. Get out of here, Miller. Go on!
Go on back to your tent and sit up with Mr. Shoes and Mr. Socks.
I forgot. Gee, I hope they're all right.
Come on, guys. Let's go back to the tent.
Only thing I don't understand is why he's not an officer.
We about ready?
- All right, kids. It's show time. - Wait a minute.
I'm not one to harp on things, but this is all up to us.
Here's the formula: If we believe it, they believe it.
If we can make it work in their minds...
it just might work in their bodies.
Otherwise, they're only taking sugar pills.
Colonel, they are only taking sugar pills.
- However, I am a consummate actor. - You better be.
I am. I am, Margaret.
I was in the Hasty Pudding shows at Harvard.
Two years. I have my reviews if...
Okay, Collins, I got your medication here.
- Thanks, Doc. - This is a very, very strong painkiller.
- And it'll really put me out? - You're gonna be asleep in a few minutes.
- You sure one's enough? - These are very potent. One's more than enough.
How long till this takes effect, Doc?
Oh, well, see, there are a number of variable factors involved...
your metabolism, rate of ingestion...
Ten minutes, soldier.
Yeah, ten minutes, give or take a minute.
What's in it, Father? Morphine?
No, it's... it's better.
Rifkin, put it on the back of your tongue and chase it down with a little water.
I can't swallow pills, Doc. I choke on Sen-Sen.
You're like my horse. I have to hide her pill in an old apple core.
All right. Open your mouth, close your eyes.
Do it.
You'll be out of pain soon.
I wish I could say the same. You just bit my finger.
- Given up so soon, Major? - Father, it isn't working.
Knowing that, it is very difficult for me to sit in there and smile.
- It's only been a few minutes. - If it hasn't taken effect by now, it never will.
Oh, ye of little faith.
Father, I am a man of medicine, not a medicine man.
Sirs, I think you better come quick.
You're gonna wanna see this.
See? Told you.
- Doc, I'm still in pain. - Give it time. You just took the pill.
- The pill isn't working. - It takes a little longer with some people.
- I can tell, my... - Okay, I'll give you one more, but that's it.
- These things are just too strong. - Thanks, Doc.
- Could you hurry? - Kellye?
You're really beginning to feel it, aren't ya, son?
Yeah. The arm stopped throbbing.
It's gonna feel even better. Now get some sleep.
Almost half. Not too bad.
Maybe next time we ought to put in more sugar.
Gentlemen, I would say that as placebos go, our results were remarkable.
Between the placebos, the sleeping pills and the ice packs...
they should make it through the night.
Old Doc Schumacher would've been proud.
- Yeah, I wanna thank you boys for coming through on this. - All for a good cause.
I know it was my idea, but I got to admit it was the damnedest thing I ever saw.
It's just not fair, you know.
I spent all those years in medical school, and these guys wind up helping themselves.
The best doctor is right up here.
Don't spread it around. We'll be out of jobs.
- It was just amazing. - Obviously to a Maine boy, it would be.
- And you've witnessed better? - Of course I have.
Massachusetts General, '47. Appendectomy. No anesthesia.
I know. Your handyman inhaled it all.
Dr. Babcock put the patient under by hypnotizing him with his gold watch.
And when he woke up his appendix, the watch and the doctor were gone.
Jest if you like. It's all there in the Massachusetts medical record.
Now I have a reason to go home. I want to look that up.
It wouldn't help you a bit, Pierce. It doesn't have pictures.
[Chuckling]
- I'm gonna get that guy. - I hate to top you, but I'm gonna get that guy.
- Would you settle for we're gonna get that guy? - Come on, little boys.
You've had a busy day.
I'm sick and tired of Charles topping us every time we open our mouths.
Yeah, he does do his best to humiliate you, but that's part of his charm.
- Care to join us under the big top? - We're gonna work him over.
- Nah. I'll read about it in the court-martial. - Ah.
- Sir, I've got to talk to you. - Not now, Klinger. I'm due at a 40-wink festival.
But it's about Miller. You told me to keep an eye on him.
What is it? Is he wearing your dresses?
No, he's past that, sir. He talks to his socks.
As long as he keeps them clean.
Colonel, during guard duty, he shot down imaginary enemy gliders...
with not so imaginary bullets.
Klinger, I'd like to do my dreaming in bed.
Colonel, it's the truth. Right now he's in the field interrogating the glider pilots.
And you're upset 'cause you didn't think of it first.
I'm telling you. The guy is loony tunes.
And th-th-that's all, folks!
I got it. You're working with him.
Well, the two of you together don't add up to a Section Four. Good night!
Take it from me. The guy's Freddy from the funny farm, wraparound jacket and all.
Hup, hup, hup! Prisoners, halt!
All right, you two, move over there!
- Keep your hands in sight, move slow and no talking! - May I present a lunatic?
Colonel, is there a place we can keep these dangerous prisoners?
In the rubber room.
Corporal, put the gun down. You're giving me the shakes.
Sir, that's ridiculous. I got two dangerous prisoners here.
If I put this gun down, they'll disappear in a minute.
Miller, let's talk about this.
Hand Klinger the rifle.
He'll watch the prisoners.
You just show me where they are.
Okay.
Halt! Oh, no!
They got another glider. They're taking off!
Halt! Halt!
[Firing Continues]
When he runs out of ammunition, bulldog him.
I'll be in my office doing the paperwork to get him out of here.
Colonel, as long as you're filling out one Section Eight form...
- what would it hurt to do another? - [Gunshot]
Hey, Beej, did I ever tell you about Lenore Clement...
voted Miss New England of 1949?
- No. Did you know her? - Are you kidding?
I knew her when she was Miss Maine of'48...
- even Miss Crabapple Cove of'47. - Really?
I painted her swimsuit on her.
Oh, funny you should mention swimsuits.
- Once in Hollywood, I dated Esther Williams's stand-in. - Really?
I could kiss her for an hour at a time... she could hold her breath so long.
Tell me, was she, uh, beautiful?
Gorgeous! From her head to her gills.
Ever heard of Audrey Hepburn?
Sure. Big brown eyes. Beautiful smile.
Lot of talent. I understand she can act too.
And you dated her stand-in, right?
'Course not. I dated her.
- Oh, come on! - That's it! We're callin' you on this one, Charles.
Look, Charles, we've had enough of your lies.
Your handyman? Okay.
- The hypnotist? Maybe. - Maybe.
- But Audrey Hepburn? - It's just a laugh.
Never! I've seen her, and not only couldn't you date her...
she wouldn't let you into a theater where one of her movies was playing.
Actually, I've never seen any of her films.
- [B.J.] Ah, really? - I just had dinner with her.
Don't you ever give up?
Face it, Mother Goose, we got you this time.
Quasimodo would have a better chance of dating Audrey Hepburn than you.
- Gentlemen... - Oh, look at this.
I... I hate to do this.
[Laughing]
You...
- What is it? Let me see. - Nothing, nothing.
It's just a picture of Audrey Hepburn having dinner with...
I can't say it... Charles.
It's a fake.
- It's not a fake! - I'm gonna be sick.
A charming little girl.
Lovely old world manners. Appetite of a bird.
I guess that shows you.
When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations...
cannot keep up with my real life?
- Oh, yeah? - Brilliant riposte, Pierce.
- Oh, yeah? - Come on, Hawk, come on.
Next he'll be tellin' us how he climbed Mount Everest.
You know, it's very strange you should mention climbing.
- He went up Everest. - Well, not yet, no.
The Matterhorn in winter. It's more sporting that way.
- Oh, that's it, that's it. - Uncle.
I'll never forget the morning we set out.
Eighty mile an hour winds.
Lars, our guide, immediately doubled his fee.
I fired him, of course.
Got a package for you, Colonel, from the Novelite Toy Company.
Mildred probably sent something cute for the horse.
- A whoopee saddle? - I wouldn't be surprised.
- Oh, it's a sock with a face on it. - Anyone we know?
- Well, here's a letter. - [High Voice] Hi, my name is Stinky.
- It's from Boots Miller. - Get away from me, you creep.
"Dear Colonel Potter. Meet Mr. Sock.
"He was invented in your very own camp.
Invented? Boots was a fake.
- "And in the last two months, we've sold over 50,000 of them. - A rich fake.
"I'm now vice-president in charge of research and development...
- "of the Novelite Toy Company. - How do you like that guy? He even fooled me.
"I wrote to thank you and at the same time to ask for your help.
- "I have an idea for a new toy called Enemy Glider. - Oh, no.
"I've been able to reproduce the pilot perfectly...
"but did not get a good look at the glider itself.
Did you by chance take any photographs of the one that I shot down?"